let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
