I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize