who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
