worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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