she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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