where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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