Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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