If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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