My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
