the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
