cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
no you cant smoke seaweed
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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