I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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