Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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