Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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