so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
