I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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