Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
