So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
