I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
tell me about the eggs
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
