My first STD was from a foam party
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
