Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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