It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
