the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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