hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
