I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
