i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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