Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
