you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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