I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
