And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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