The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
