Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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