i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
