pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize