once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
