I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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