That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
