dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
