In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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