i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
