The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize