So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
