Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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