I swear she didn't look like that last week.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
even my farts smell like vagina
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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