My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Welp...herpes.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
