When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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