Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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