Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
