i need an iv and a liver transplant
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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