I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
