we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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