I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
