I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
