my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
they're like a gay fantastic four
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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