The maid of honor just puked.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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