i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
