i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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