peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize