Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
